The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
