If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
