Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
