Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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