i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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