If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Can I color on your dick again?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
