im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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