Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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