If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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