so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
