Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
