I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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