Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
