If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
