Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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