I must be too annoying 4 u.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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