my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
