She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
