I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
