Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
