those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
