I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
