you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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