My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
