Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
