i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
