Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
