No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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