ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
