walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
tell your sister to shave her snatch
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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