My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Did I show you my penis last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
