I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
