I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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