If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
