I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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