Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
