your parents love me but you hate me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
