I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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