Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
worst night to have a conscience
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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