He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
