Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
