If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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