My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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