This is not my ceiling
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
