Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
