I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
