Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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