Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
