I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
