I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
