I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
