Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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