never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
