Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
