I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
