Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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